The trite: ‘She’s in a better place” or “It’s part of God’s plan” isn’t just bothersome to an atheist, it’s troubling to a theist as well. At times these sentiments serve not to comfort but rather serve only to keep one from entering into another’s pain or loss. These sentiments may end up simply deflecting another’s pain instead of offering comfort. Certainly as a Christian to remember the Resurrection and the hope of a future glorious reunion with the deceased person is a helpful part of the grieving process but it shouldn’t be offered as a deflection of another’s expression of pain or grief.
Imagine if someone has just shattered his femur and while writhing in tremendous pain with his mind full of anxious thoughts about the physical limitations the broken femur has suddenly imposed on his next couple of months, one says, “Oh, don’t worry! This is really a blessing! The doctor is going to fix you up with an even better titanium femur.” Sure, the thought of an even better femur is a hope but right now this thought doesn’t address the pain of the person who is dealing with: the loss of breaking a femur, the long road to recovery, not being able to work for the next couple of months, and whatever other losses may come from the broken femur. The future fact of an even better femur doesn’t erase the present tragedy. Similarly, I believe the future hope of a glorious resurrection is tremendous but it doesn’t negate the pain one experiences in the loss of a loved one.
I think further that death and grieving with death should teach us that there are some things you can’t fix and that’s okay. There are some pains you can’t take away or alleviate and sometimes the best thing to do is simply sit with another and allow them to share their pain with you. When faced with a grieving friend, one easily feels as if they have to offer their part to immediately take the pain or grief away rather than to simply be with their friend in their pain and grief. I think one sure and certain way to comfort someone is to simply be with them in their grief and to avoid the temptation to try to “fix” the situation by offering just the right words or worse by trying to spin the tragic situation into some sort of “good news.”
In scripture we see that when Jesus encounters others weeping over the loss of a loved one, Jesus responds not by simply offering hopeful sentiments but rather Jesus responds by weeping. Jesus enters into their pain. In short, if Christ wept at the death of his friend Lazarus then I think we owe it to others and to ourselves to grieve our losses and to be there for others when they grieve.
John 11:32-35
When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, he became perturbed* and deeply troubled, and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.”
And Jesus wept.“
JJ’s post, “5 Ways to Comfort an Atheist” inspired me, as a pastor, to follow up with this Christian reflection on comforting someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. As a pastor, I think JJ’s 5 ways to comfort are great ways to comfort not just an atheist but anyone.
We walk with our friends in life and we should walk with them in death.Just being there listening,sitting quietly often is all it takes,a hand to hold,a shoulder to cry on is what we need most in grief.Enjoyed this topic,may speak on it in my church soon. Star
Star, I think you’re right about being a good friend means walking with them. What a gift it is to have a true friend one with which you can share your joys and your sorrows.
One of the things you mentioned that stood out to me was the idea that it’s ok grieve and be sad, and you can’t always “fix” things. For me this, applies outside of the discussion of death as well.
I’ve noticed more and more lately, that when I’m feeling down, well-intentioned friends want to immediately make things better, but that can almost verge on being frustrating. Because, for me at least, being sad is a natural emotion, and it makes sense to linger in it – at least a bit – and process the emotion and understand it, because that ultimately allows me to truly move on from it.
I enjoy the post a lot!
JJ, I agree that the discussion of not being able to fix things applies beyond death and that it is a great relief to have a friend with which you can share your problems and not feel as if your friend has to offer a “solution” to your problem. Sometimes, we have problems, worries, and concerns which warrant a solution other times we have anxieties which just need to be expressed and shared with another.
I agree that we don’t need to “fix” anyone’s pain or take it away. In fact, I believe interrupting an emotional process just makes it last longer or causes additional emotions. I think we need to remember this when comforting ourselves as well, not just others. Let ourselves feel. Go through the full range of feeling. Acknowledge it and let it pass, don’t try to rush it away. Too often people believe anything that makes them uncomfortable must be bad or wrong and so we have a hard time with emotions that make us uncomfortable or that are less socially accepted, like anger or intense sadness. Let’s say the guy with the broken femur suffered it in an accident. He might feel angry that this happened, but his best friend was driving and it was just an accident so he tells himself he shouldnt be angry and doesn’t express it. All he has done is bury his anger which is totally natural to feel and it will knaw at him and resurface as resentment or some other emotion because he interrupted the process.
From the perspective of comforting someone else, how many times were you told as a kid to stop crying. Or how bout the compassionate response from a friend, ” oh no don’t cry. It will be ok.” It speaks more to the friend’s discomfort. They are really trying to make their own discomfort go away. But in the process nobody learns to feel their uncomfortable feelings. Someone who understands this might instead encourage the tears, or at least welcome them and celebrate the expression of true emotion instead of feeling uncomfortable and trying to make it go away.
And on a side note, nothing angers me more than when someone says ” everything happens for a reason” or that it was God’s plan. I don’t think it was “the plan’ for someone to be shot at the age of 6 or get hit by a drunk driver and die. There are consequences for choices. Someone chose to drink and drive and ended up hurting someone else. That wasn’t supposed to happen. You might find ways to grow from the circumstance but the circumstance didn’t happen for that reason.
Tracee,
Great reflections.
I agree whole-heartedly with your sentiments about the expression “everything happens for a reason” or it is part of God’s plan. It is a lot different to think about a God who can bring good from evil as opposed to a God who wants evil to happen so he can bring good. Evil is never a part of God’s plan but it is a relief that even in the midst of evil there can be some redemptive good.