“It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be killing me. It’s like the universe giving me the big middle finger.”
“The universe doesn’t care—“
Wilson interrupts “Why me? I’m always telling my patients not to torture themselves because there is no answer.”
“Sound advice.”
“It’s cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them and I’m there telling them not to bother. I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.”
“You’d still have cancer.”
“Yeah, but at least I’d feel like I deserved it.”
In this exchange between Dr. House and his long-time friend Dr. Wilson, Wilson explores his struggle with finding meaning through cancer and the looming possibility of death.Throughout the entire series, Wilson is the one who typically serves as the empathetic moral guide for the show. Yet, when confronted with is own death, he begins to question the way he has chosen to live his life.
Wilson is facing the dilemma of why bad things happen to good people. Many people hold a worldview that in some way or another upholds the stance that people ultimately get what they deserve. Some version of this runs through western religions like Christianity’s Heaven/Hell concept and through eastern religions like Buddhism’s karma concept.
The problem is, most of those imply that the justice will come after we’ve died in this life. And that leaves injustice and suffering and a lack of absolute certainty that things ever will be put right while we’re still alive. We often try to apply these ideas within our life on earth, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work out that way. One of my favorite quotes regarding this outlook comes from the show Six Feet Under:
If you think life is a vending machine where you put in virtue and get out happiness, you’re going to be disappointed.
The truth is, bad things do happen to good people. Finding a way to make peace with that is an extremely important part of living the good life. Why? It’s just what Wilson says – we as humans seem to have a built in desire to feel like we deserve whatever it is that we get in this life.
And yet, when you think about, that’s not really the case at all. Chance plays such a huge role in how our lives turn out. Does anyone get to choose where they’re born? Of course not, yet think about how different the opportunities are if you’re born in the United States or in Africa. Sure, in either location it’s possible to achieve much with your life, but no one can deny that in America, there is much greater opportunity. Just like where we’re born, so many other things are affected by chance.
So how do we reconcile the fact that we don’t get what we deserve, for better or worse? As Wilson says, there is really no answer.
Personally, I take some comfort in an existential outlook on life. We are thrust into existence without a purpose, but every action that we then choose to take creates our purpose and is like our little vote for what we think humanity ought to be. If we believe humanity ought to be kind and caring, then we ought to act kind and caring. Wilson, with the choices he had made in his life, was voting for something like this. So why does he get so upset when faced directly with the prospect of death?
We are all born with a terminal disease!
None of us is immortal. We will all die of something. The sooner we face that, the more fully we can truly live our life.
If you’re looking for a great reminder on this, check out “The Universe Doesn’t Give a Flying F*ck About You.” for a powerful push in the direction of what does matter:
You don’t matter to the planets and the sun and the stars, but you matter to YOU. You matter to those around you. You matter to those you can reach, and touch, and who you live and die with.
It’s clear Wilson never confronted his own death, even in dealing with the death of his patients every day. Don’t make the same mistake. Face your death, right now, today. Look it in the eyes. Know it’s coming and that the only question is when. Own that reality.
Then, the only question left is: what do you want your life to be?
I urge you take the time to reflect, ruminate, ponder, and do your best to answer that question as soon as you can.
Great post. I really enjoyed the reference to existentialism and that we are in charge of painting what message that we want the drama of our lives to communicate.
I think it’s always hard to confront our death. The more we confront it then perhaps the easier it becomes but I think it will remain a philosophical or abstract concept until we feel the breath of death. It seems that at that moment it suddenly becomes concrete and real and I don’t know if anything ever truly prepares us for that moment, but certainly there are ways to be better prepared.
===Some Interesting Asides=====
Saint Jerome who translated the entire bible from Greek to Latin so that people could read it in their language, kept a skull on his desk to remind himself that death was coming.
Every year at Ash Wednesday people come to church to have ashes traced on their forehead and hear the words, “Remember, you are dust and unto dust you shall return.” It surprises me how many people come to Mass on that day. It is as if we spend so much time ignoring or hiding from the unpleasant reality of death that people are happy to have a space to finally acknowledge that uncomfortable reality that we are dust and unto dust we shall return. It gives us a great charge to treat precious these fleeting moments that we have been given.
Also, just a different twist perhaps Christianity is not about the fact that everyone gets what they deserve but rather we get what we don’t deserve. Those of us who have lived destructive and sinful lives still posses the hope of God’s redemptive love bringing us to an experience of fulfilling peace beyond anything we deserve.
Thanks for the great comment! I really like the imagery of Saint Jerome keeping the skull on his desk. I’ve got the lid of the coffin that I used in my death and dying class displayed in the kitchen. Andrea painted a skeleton on it. It’s more of a day of the dead type representation, but I think it serves a somewhat similar role.
And I cede your point about Christianity and redemptive love. When I was writing, I suppose I was thinking more along the lines of Pascal’s Wager, in the sense that choosing whether to believe in God or not is an aspect that ultimately plays some role in the determination of afterlife within Christianity. But that is somewhat disconnected from being “deserving” a particular afterlife.